I know the presents will be smaller this year. I know they'll be way more expensive. And even if you can't get to them because they're stuck on a boat off the Port of LA somewhere, I'd appreciate anything you could give me.
You see, Santa, the government checks stopped coming a couple months back, and I've gotten used to getting something for nothing. I'm sure grifters and hackers in the Philippines miss their Michigan unemployment checks too, Santa. We all do. Of course, some legitimate people are still waiting for theirs.
If you can't manage to get my stuff off the boat in LA, then please just bring me a six-pack of beer and a soft pack of Winston Lights 100s. That costs $20 and change at the gas station now, Santa. I use the mound of pennies from the dish near the cash register for the change. Some people are selling their food stamps for 50 cents on the dollar.
If you can't bring me any stuff, Santa, then please carry my prayers to Kentucky.
They're still digging out from those devastating tornadoes last week. They have yet to find all their loved ones. Their businesses and homes and life's dreams blown to smithereens. Send them my prayers, Santa.
But, don't forget. We need help in Michigan too. We suffered some blustery winds last week. No homes blew over, but somehow three times more people in Michigan were without power than those in Kentucky. It's bad.
What will we do if we get hit by tornadoes, Santa? No, not if we get hit with tornadoes, but when, when we get hit by tornadoes.
Please, Santa. Don't bring us any tornadoes. Bring me a generator.
The power executives aren't competent around here. Bring us some competent power executives, Santa. Ones that serve society, instead of their shareholders. The wind is blowing hard again today. We're worried.
My mother once told me people do not ask for too much, we ask for too little. Instead of peace on earth, we wish for keys to a new car.
But we can have both now, Santa! We can wish for an electric vehicle and help put an end to global warming. A piece of paradise parked right inside our garages of Eden.
General Motors is promising an all-electric future. So please, Santa, won't you bring General Motors some more taxpayer dollars? They never seem to get enough free money. Now they say they need hundreds of millions of Michigan's leftover Covid dollars to build a battery plant here.
I know, I know. GM is already the largest carmaker in Mexico. GM sells more cars in China than in the United States. GM makes billions in profits every year but doesn't pay taxes. But think of the twinkling future, Santa. Think of a sleigh pulled by a 255 kilowatt permanent magnet motor. Oh the wonderment!
So please, Santa, bring GM CEO Mary Barra a tin cup and bring Gov. Gretchen Whitmer a silver pen so she can sign the legislation. Nobody around here seems to knows where the governor is, Santa. But I know you do. You know when she is sleeping. You know when she's awake. You know if she's taken a private jet to Florida during a pandemic for goodness sake.
Of course, you can't charge an electric vehicle during a blackout, Santa. So maybe you should bring us those competent power executives first, come to think of it.
Whatever you bring, I would appreciate it. Even a lump of coal would help. Have you seen the price of heating oil, Santa?
Well, it's getting late. I look forward to your arrival. I'll leave some discount milk and an old slice of fruitcake on the mantel. Just look for the candle in the window to guide you. The lights are out on the tree, again.
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